Or: How do I get to a narcissistic?
I would like to describe here what has to happen in order to get involved with a narcissistic at all. There is a mechanism by which any toxic partnership with a narcissistic (of any sex, by the way!) proceeds.
The introductory phase:
When I meet a narcissistic, I intuitively feel that he is emotionally unbound. The narcissist and especially the narcissist usually have a sophisticated repertoire of seductive qualities. But it may be that he just listens to an isolated, lonely little sheep like me when it pours out his heart.
I find something stunningly attractive about him/her: Be it the appearance cared for down to the last detail, a refined education, a high status (even if only pretended), supposed wealth, excellent sex full of passion, or or or. He presents himself as the perfect partner you have always been waiting for.
Since I have already let myself be blinded before it has even come to the relationship, I should actually – if I were self-reflective – now look at what I lack in my life, what I look for in the other. Actually, a relationship is not about compensating for a deficiency, but about exchanging gifts: namely love and trust, respect, reliability and commitment.
I am now trying to “get” this person, ignoring all the red flags that show me that it is a toxic bonding partner; I idealize him. That is, I trust him blindly. Strictly speaking, I am already trapped there. A Venus flytrap.
The beginning of the relationship:
The narcissistic finds me secretly cute without taking me seriously. Only when I start to make demands does it become a business. You are bought, only to be exploited and sold again heavily worn. At the beginning, the narcissistic begins to project my enthusiasm for him and idealization back onto me. I feel like I’m in seventh heaven because I think that’s real appreciation for me; he feels like he is in seventh heaven because someone finally reflects his great self, as he likes to see and stage himself. The narcissist likes to play the unapproachable, mysterious.
After a while:
But as soon as no real bond is formed, both partners realize that it is a fake, a scam. At this point, the narcissistic greed for profit comes into play: he cannot let go, because on the one hand he has inferiority complexes that he has to compensate for by me and wants to be idealized again like a celebrity, on the other hand he wants to exploit me. He will not look at his weak points or even edit them, but will suppress everything. He is megalomaniac.
The narcissist now becomes aggressive: he showers me with verbal and/or physical attacks, sex deprivation, blackmail, lies, gaslighting, false claims, turns the word around in my mouth, etc. to bring me under control. In public, he is the most accommodating guy the world has ever experienced – just as he should be at home. No one would ever consider mutating from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde at home! He tries all the means at his disposal until he has me back under (emotional/financial) control. I like to call this “the tools of evil.”
But it’s mainly about my devaluation, crushing my self-esteem so that I submit again, and my isolation so that I become vulnerable. The downward spiral has begun. He seems to distrust me. I, as a partner, now try to prove, depending on my temperament, that I am worthy of being loved and that I am trustworthy – which is a bit naïve, or I distance myself from the attacks of the narcissistic (the healthy reaction of a person with a high self-esteem). If I escape control, the drama only increases even more, because for the narcissistic, defeat is tantamount to death. So he is fighting for survival! And that with the expectation of winning. This also makes it clear what I really am for my narcissistic partner: his arch-enemy.
The roller coaster ride:
In such a panicked state, the narcissists are life-threatening – even if only in the figurative sense. A psychopath, and here the two types differ, would now reach for the murder weapon and strike, stab or push to keep the partner. At that moment, most people give in and let themselves be subjugated – and the narcissistic or psychopath has won. With a narcissistic, on the other hand, you can sometimes experience that he makes you drunk with alcohol and then goes out sleeping naked and photographed like that, then later – well… The kingdom on earth has turned into a terrorist dictatorship.
The end – or not?
If the termination of the relationship is inevitable, he goes completely blatantly at a distance, pursues character assassination without end and, if necessary, looks for someone new who idealizes him again and to whom he gives everything I wanted at the beginning. But I always stay within reach through constant contact attempts. I am constantly harassed, have no time to get over the failed relationship, but have to deal with him again and again – sometimes for years. That annoys and consumes me. But that is intentional. If I manage to remove myself completely, the contact attempts continue anyway, even after the 6-month period of a public prosecutor’s contact ban has expired. It may even be that when his new relationship has become bland, he wants to join me again. This can lead to (online) stalking, even for decades.
Strictly speaking, it is very difficult to get to know someone like that. Especially when children are involved, contact with the narcissists can be very exhausting. Here the psychosomatic therapy, if it has already come to manifest depression, (unfortunately) psychiatry. After all, most narcissists are deterred by a lawyer’s letter and then let go of contact. At the latest when it comes to stalking.
In rare cases, however, you have to deal with them for a lifetime. Just because of the children.