Narcissus, Caravaggio

The bad news first:

People who want to have absolute power over other people (also and especially over children) because they then have a godlike status, but who decouple this power from the social responsibility associated with it, abuse their power. They have a bad character that cannot be turned around from the outside – even with the unconditional love of a child.

Now the good news:

By recognizing that power is always linked to responsibility, these people can do something about it themselves, namely develop through insight. You can go through a process of self-reflection and insight and thereby “mature”. They can even grow through the external reflection that other people offer them, by accepting and accepting the external reflection, classifying the criticism of them as “true” instead of immediately dismissing it as unjustified, and then gaining an insight that the others are right to have. This approach of humility – instead of presumption – leads to a more harmonious togetherness and a real structure of respect and power.

The abuse of power almost always results from an inferior position, from which the abusing person cannot find out by normal means, because he is too weak; however, she must have her needs met by others. These affect all levels of human interaction: the physical / sexual, the emotional, the mental and the spiritual level. This also includes the need for undivided attention.

Such persons have already learned in childhood that their caregivers do not adequately address their needs and get what they need because their caregiver is not empathetic enough to guess the needs. Since the child does not know how to express itself otherwise, it begins power games. If the caregiver is still standing on the hose, the toddler’s thought solidifies that the need is not fulfilled by itself even with a warning shot like a power game. Resistance grows, the caregiver has to be brought under control in order for the child to survive. Yes, for the child it is actually about survival!

If this dysfunction is repeated, this pattern burns itself into the child, it generalizes the idea that his needs are basically only met in the event of violence (threats).

Violence is always a substitute for language. Violence is the language of the speechless.

Since children are children and not adults in small bodies, what is meant is that they are not able to separate themselves from other people internally, so they cannot distance themselves from the dysfunctionality of the caregiver. A healthy adult can do that, he withdraws from such a person out of self-respect who does not meet their needs permanently and sustainably and looks for another caregiver who can do that (at least enough).

If this child, whose needs have not been adequately addressed, now grows up, and if he remains in his own dysfunction, this person becomes more or less conspicuously violent towards others.

BUT: This violence only affects the caregiver, not everyone else!

At first it may seem like rudeness that someone cannot say “please”, “thank you” or “sorry” to clarify their needs, but over time both the perpetrator and his caregiver get caught in a vicious circle of Co -Dependence, contempt and seduction, dominance and hypocritical submission, massive ignorance and massive attention-seeking, presumptuousness and feigned remorse. And since all of this takes place in private, when “the cameras are off”, but the violent perpetrator presents himself in public as the perfect partner or parent in a show that is ready for the stage, all the others do not understand what one has to say against him. The others believe (!) That the caregiver has made the catch of their life.

It is a roller coaster of emotions that the mostly healthy caregiver can neither logically nor emotionally understand until they understand that the perpetrator’s survival is at stake. One must be aware that the perpetrator of violence has still remained at the emotional maturity level of a toddler and has not understood that he is now able to express himself differently as an adult.

If, on the other hand, the violent offender matures, he thereby acquires the ability of an adult to explain himself, to put his needs into words, to also set boundaries for himself in a polite way, instead of driving the others out of their minds and their self-esteem to be able to steer better.